Jekyll and Hyde

I have a basic distaste for myself that I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. Probably not the healthiest way to feel, but whatever. I especially have a distaste for people who don’t think about others when they go about doing their bullshit. No one seems to consider how what they say or do or, in this day and age, post will impact someone else. They don’t see or feel the mess they’ve created so why should they care?

I feel like two different people. On the one hand I’m an extrovert, funny, and an all around people person. Then a flip switches. Humanity disgusts me and I don’t want to talk to anyone or even leave the house. I’ve always been this way but it’s even more so lately. Since losing my daughter, things that I would normally shrug off or just keep quiet about eat at me until I can’t hold my tongue any longer. People need to learn basic courtesy. I don’t know where that went or when it fell to the wayside, but being surrounded by societal mouth-breathers all day is exhausting. I’m not your mother and you’re an adult. Grow the fuck up already.

I get angry when I hold the door for someone and they’re too damn good or busy or on the friggen phone to say “thank you”. MANNERS ARE FREE. And the thing is, they go a really long way. I often find, being so heavily modified, that people are taken aback at how polite I am. Finger and hand tattoos and facial piercings don’t make me an imbecile. On the contrary, I’ve found visibly modified people to have WAY better manners and people skills than most because we have to prove ourselves more. Maybe that isn’t a universal experience, but it’s been mine.

I’ve always been a free spirit; I want to live in a van, travel, live off of the earth, let my hair grow, and just not give a fuck. But then sometimes I’m extremely rigid; I get angry when things don’t go as planned, agitated when I don’t see a good number in the bank, and just all around irritable. I don’t know why my personality has this back and forth that it does and it’s infuriating. I’d like to be one person all the time, please and thank you. You can try to say “hormones” but these stretches last for months.

When I get into something, I go all in. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on crafting supplies because I watched a YouTube video once. I later sold the entire cart of supplies for $25 at a garage sale; impulsivity and I go way back. I don’t know what “normal” is even though I don’t believe in the concept, generally speaking. I do know that I have a lot of unhealthy mental and financial habits that weigh me down.

My husband is supportive almost to a fault. Although, realistically, if he tried to talk me out of something I’d get angry. I’d cross my arms and pout for days because I was told “no”. Not that he would flat out say “no”, but he’d ask questions and I’d feel backed into a corner. My fault, not his. But I don’t like when I feel push back; control and I also go way back.

I don’t know who I am. Sometimes I don’t even know what I like. I feel like I’m just here. Not contributing, not being authentic, not even living. Just here.

-A

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