Predator and Prey

Remember that time you told me you’d miss me over the summer? Being naïve, I thought it was innocent and went along. You told me my boyfriend could be our “beard”; I didn’t even know what that meant and, admittedly, had to look it up.

Remember that time when you got me alone in a stairway and shoved your tongue down my throat? I do; it was rough like sand and made me want to vomit. Or when you called me into the backroom to put your arm around me and told me I was the “perfect size” for you and how we’d make a cute couple?

Remember when, at my junior prom you requested Sam Cooke’s “You Send Me” and asked me to dance with you? All the eyes burning into me; everyone knowing or suspecting and no one saying a damn thing.

Remember when you told me about that very sexually explicit dream you had about me? Or how you’d watch me stretch my back when I was sitting in chemistry class, sore from the double period? You said it was “sexy” and would peek in several times. I remember how you told me you quit doing coke for me. And how vasectomies can be reversed. And how, when I graduated, you wanted to marry me and would fight anyone who told you no. Remember calling me out of class numerous times because you “felt a distance” between us and was afraid I didn’t “love” you?

I remember. I remember every song you ever sent to me; Sam Cooke’s ‘You Send me’, B-52’s ‘Strobe Light’, Gun’s n Roses’ ‘Patience’, Bad Company’s ‘Feel like Makin’ Love’.  To this day, your name makes my skin crawl. The thought of you makes me anxious. The fact that I let down another girl makes me hate myself. I was too afraid, too embarrassed. You made me a coward when I could’ve been her hero.

I try to teach my son not to use the word ‘hate’ because it’s just unnecessary most of the time. But I can honestly say that I wholeheartedly hate you. I hate you for the anger and damage still done 11 years later. I hate you for ruining my high school experience and relationships. I hate you for getting away with what you did to that other girl. How many more are there? How long will I hold this hate in my heart?

You are an actual piece of human garbage. You are a predator and saw me as your prey. I will not be made to feel that way ever again.

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