I wish that I could feel nothing. Healthy, right? The thing is, I’ve been saying this for years. I just want to be numb. I figure if I have to be here, shutting all these feelings and thoughts the fuck up is the only way it’ll be tolerable.
Last week was a good week. I was on a high (manic). I was confident, had my shit together, and felt like “myself” again. But I’m crashing hard. Each crash always feels like the last one. “I’m never going to get like that again, I’ve got this. Fuck depression.” But my brain is broken; it doesn’t work properly. There’s too much fear, too much sadness, too much anger and not enough happiness, appreciation, or confidence. I feel too goddamn much. It’s overwhelming.
I’m not “suicidal” but whenever I feel like dying, I listen to this song – again, not the healthiest song to listen to, but it’s precisely how I’m feeling in that moment. Have you felt that way? Just so desperate to go to sleep and that be it? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. To be clear, I’m not going to kill myself. I do find myself wondering who would go to my funeral though. What would be said about me? “Mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend.” Nice; something to everyone else and nothing to myself. Nothing FOR myself. I’ve always wanted more. I wanted to do something; to BE something. I’m nothing. I’m an uninspired “artist” who can’t even create. And it’s not because I don’t want to, I just suck at it. I try. But I’m tired of trying. With everything I feel, you’d think that I’d have no problem once my pen touches paper. But that’s where having talent comes in and clearly I have none.
For those of you who don’t know what depression is like, check out this video. It’s a personification of depression. I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy. That’s the fucked up part; I’m a good person. I have empathy, compassion, courtesy, etc. Why am I infected with this? When I’m depressed, there is no hope, no help. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I question why I’m even here because clearly I have no purpose. It’s all just too much sometimes.
This week, I’m barely hanging on. I cry a lot. I ripped into a Target manager today, which is NOT like me. But honestly, I’m tired of being treated like shit and he was being blatantly rude and combative. Dude, you don’t know my story. I understand everyone has one, but I can cry at the drop of a hat and on the flipside of that, I’m dying to fuck someone up. And when you’re in customer service, you don’t get to treat people like that. Being a former retail manager, I ate shit morning, noon, and night with a smile on my face. Now? They’re rude and argumentative. So, it goes without saying, that I am NEVER shopping at Target again. They can shove my Red Card up their ass too.
I wanna pull all of the hair out of my head. I don’t know why; I think it’s a mix of my anxiety and frustration. I so desperately want to quit. But people are depending on me and so I can’t. God forbid I let people down. I can’t do that, I just can’t. It’s not in me to do that.
“Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.”